Do you ever get so caught up in your to do list that nothing actually is accomplished except more worry and anxiety? I feel like that has been the story of my last two weeks. Because my semester is divided into terms, I just started a new class. While I love learning about the miracle of life aka maternity childbearing, I must say I am easily stressed with the idea of a new teacher, new clinical instructors, and different testing styles. And of course my attention has been solely focused on classes, occasionally interspersed with work. Lately, I have been living my life according to due dates for assignments. And frankly, I have been quite a slacker when it comes to prayer.
While I still might be doing alright in school and completing everything, I still feel like my life is slowly falling apart. It is not like I have experienced a traumatic event that makes me feel this way. It is all the little things that I keep telling myself are not a big deal. For example, as I am sure you have noticed, I have not been very successful in blogging. My night prayers are becoming far and few in between. Not exactly the best way to start off lent.
I like to be told “It is okay. I am sure it is no big deal” because I think it allows myself to be less accountable for my mistakes and unmet expectations. But, sometimes I just need to be told how it is. This week I have discovered the little black book my parish handed out at the beginning of lent. (It has been sitting on my dresser since Ash Wednesday, yet another example of slacking). On Tuesday’s reflection, it talks about how last Sunday’s gospel is not a typical message that we normally hear. Yes, He is a forgiving God. But, I cannot go through life making excuses for myself. The passage goes on to say “God is patient….but not doting. God is forgiving….but not wishy-washy.” Much in the same way of the gospel this Sunday, sometimes we just need to be told how it is.
Yep, I think it is fair to say God has called me out on this one. I am not very happy with myself for letting precious time slip by without trying to gain a deeper understanding of God. But, I do not want to let myself prolong attending to my spiritual needs any longer than I already have. How do I fix this? Well I am not sure I have the space for that. But I must say that challenge for the day is a great place to start. The goal is to start taking responsibility for the choices I make today. I think taking responsibility allows the depth of the situation to sink in: good or bad.
I feel like this passage was a harsh reality check; but, obviously necessary. Sometimes to move forward, I have to backtrack. For today, I will hold myself accountable for my spiritual needs.